Flaring!

I am not happy. Since my rhumitologist retired over 2 years ago, my family doctor has been trying to find me another one to take me on as an Ankylosing Spondylitis patient. Today he told me, some aren’t taking on patients or have a 2 year plus waiting list. He said we may have to go as far south as Barrie.😕 I wait to hear back from him. And once again, my prescription for my Humira injection is on hold until they receive paper work from a specialist.😕 He filled it out for me hoping they will accept. I am 3 days late for my injection and starting to feel that constant pain.  I don’t post this looking for sympathy,  April is Ankylosing Spondylitis Awareness Month and these are just 2 things someone with AS can go through more than once. It’s no fun, but I have learnt how to manage my pain, usually it’s just having a couple days of grace because it gets exhausting managing pain.
I got this!

#ankylosingspondylitis

#ankylosingspondylitiswarrior

A Quote I Love, So Honest.

“If everybody is always comfortable with you, you’re probably not telling them the whole truth.”
― Aniekee Tochukwu Ezekiel

MY FAITH

It’s Sunday and I imagine many of you went to church? Don’t laugh..lol.. there are still people who do and there are those who praise the Creator from their own homes, for whatever reason. I don’t think the Creator gets upset if we don’t go to church, as long as we have faith, where ever we are that faith will follow. A few years back I attended 3 different churches and took from each what worked for myself. My belief in something/someone is greater than myself. Some days, I will name he/she, the Creator or Spirit, which is all of immortal goodness and powerfulness, a Higher Power. With all my beliefs, I read and read till I understand, until I comprehend what is being said and what leaves me feeling comfortable with it. I don’t believe having faith in todays world is easy. I don’t just wake in the morning and think the world has turned a new leaf leaving everything beautiful. I am amazed at times how this world still exists in the universe with all mankind is putting it through, including what mankind puts its neighbor through, whether that is one the same street, cities and other countries. So having faith is something we have to work on daily, especially when it can be at an all time low.
Mahatma Gandhi is quoted, ” Resistance To Aggression
I MUST live. I would not be a vassal to any nation or body. I must have absolute independence or perish. To seek to win in a clash of arms would be pure bravado. Not so if, in defying the might of one who would deprive me of my independence, I refuse to obey his will and perish unarmed in the attempt. In so doing, though I lose the body, I save my soul, i.e., my honour. (H, 15-10-1938, p. 290)
I agree totally!
I hate being around violent and toxic people. People as such wear me down, spiritually, emotionally and years ago, I realize just how physically that type of environment can harm me. And that environment can be amongst family, close friends just as much as a stranger.

“The Bible does not tell us to continue in relationships with people who have damaged us or are still damaging us, family or not. In fact, the Scriptures are full of teachings instructing us to leave relationships with wicked or evil people, to be separate from them, to shun, outcast, and purge them from our midst.”
~~Jesus told the disciples, “But when they persecute you in this city, flee ye into another”. (Matthew 10:23). ~

I come to believe to eaches own when it comes to picking who we wish to keep company with and no one should be snubbed upon for making those choices. We have one life on this earth, live it in a positive way, give to who are willing to receive and appreciate.

Long Days Short Years

One thing for sure, Mom loved taking pictures of her children. There is so many I don’t have that I know are out there some where, just to find them, especially the ones of my brother Joey and I.

I will be 63 years young next month and that quote comes to mind, just look at where you were, what you been through and you can’t believe you have made it this far. It is so true, boy the days are long at times but the years fly by. Just a few things, when I was around 4 yrs old, we lived in Toronto, I was hit by a car, it was winter, one of my brothers seen me tumbling down the road, in my pink snow suit. I escaped that with a broken collar bone and a few bruises. When I was about 7 yrs old, myself and a couple neighborhood kids were playing in our back yard, the kids in the next yard did not like us, lol.. one of them threw a jagged edge steel pipe our way and it landed on my head, again rushed to the hospital. I survived! And there was many years I dealt with abuse no one should of had to deal with. When I was 46, I had a heart attack, 3 years later, I had a second heart attack, then I found out I had AS. I am thinking I have 2 lives left..lol.. I am blessed to have found this late in life, someone who is my best friend, so caring and can tolerate me..lol.. I am the happiest I have ever been. And everything I have went through, to be still here is a miracle, so I see every day as a miracle and a blessing. I appreciate those who appreciate me and show it, as for the rest.. Meh!.. their loss. So life goes on! Live each day like its my last, because one day it will be my last and I have NO regrets! Moral of this post. Remember, no matter how hard life gets at times, no matter how many times your heart gets broken.. things will change, they always do!! When someone does not want to be in your life, let them go, their loss! Your gain! Chin up! You got this! To those in my life today, thank you, If I don’t say it enough, I appreciate your presence.

#babies #yearsgoneby #abusive #chinup #bestfriends

Like

Comment

Believe in YOU

Never be ashamed or feel like less of a person because you sought out professional mental counselling, Anymore than seeking physical help for a broken bone. I feel 100% after 2 years of counselling off and on. The greatest advice I got that changed my life was…” your feelings, your words, your memories are and will always be yours, no one, not anyone can tell you they are not your truths or warranted. ” I am thankful for that counselor today, learning I don’t need anyone’s approval when it comes to my feelings and beliefs

What If?

Spiritual

IF someone knew they were dying soon of a disease but they did not want anyone to know, yet YOU found out and it is a person you have not talked to in a long time for whatever reason, WOULD YOU go to them, embrace them, tell they you’re sorry for any wrong doings you may have committed towards them, all the while not telling them you knew they were dying?

My question is.. WHY wait till we find out a person is passing before we make amends or why wait to say, I love you or how are you doing?

Dry Eyed and Bullet Proof

With Mother’s Day fast approaching, I think of all the things I would like to say to my mother, that I wish I would have said to her when she was alive. Yes, I believe even from the other side she can hear my thoughts and read my mind, but it is just not the same, like being able to look her in the eyes as I would say them to her.  

Now and then I think of her with her 11 children around her and just how tired she must have been tending to all those children 24/7. To go through each stage of growing up with each child, just getting over one stage with one and along comes the next child in line. Wow, she sure was a true warrior, a survivor. 

I think I was about 8 years old; I came running around from the living room to the kitchen, that she was cleaning up after supper. I saw her standing at the sink, but her hands were not moving in the dish water and her head was slightly leaning forward. I stood beside her, looked up to her and seen her eyes were closed. She was sleeping standing up, eyes closed and her hands in the warm dish water. I gently tugged on her top, “Mom?” . She jolted, pushed her glasses up on the bridge of her nose and said, “what is the matter, Cindy?”, as she began to wash the dishes again. That was just one time, now, that I can remember of where her exhaustion was so evident, but as a child, I did not think twice about what could be wrong or was it wrong for a mother to fall asleep standing up, she was just that tired. 

Being her eldest daughter, child number 4 of the 11, I learnt from her about childcare and how to be strong at the worst of times. I know now or realize now some of what she went through and today believe she was truly bullet proof. Yes, the scars of motherhood are seen on a women’s body from those bullets but 99% of the time, you don’t bleed, because you hide them so well, as a mother. I think today about and wonder, when did she cry? Probably in her pillow at night and most likely cried herself to sleep. I think of her tears that were hidden behind her dry eyes and how today you can buy artificial tears for dry eyes at any pharmacy, but Mothers don’t need artificial tears, they cry, we cry, we just do it in a quiet room or maybe while cleaning house or bathing children, yes, we do.  

My mother was and long after her passing in 2010, still is my hero. I may not be able to look you in the eyes today or any day since your passing but spiritually please feel my love, my respect, as I shed tears missing you, real tears, but your strength and the love you gave me keeps the broken pieces snug in place because I know after raising my own children, that is what Moms tend to do.. Hold it together, because we are bullet proof and dry eyed! 

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MOM! You are loved and I will always feel your love. ❤

Writers Bleed

“One of those days where I am a giant mixed bag of emotions as I write down things to set in my book. I am angry, sad, disgusted and even heartbroken. They say you bleed from the heart to get the best story. Well my heart bleeds and there is a mess! I hate the feeling.” – Snowy Impressions

#bleedingwriters

#writer

#impressions

Learning About Who I Am

I love my ojibwe culture and love sharing it. There is so much to learn, even for myself.

“We Indians know about silence. We are not afraid of it. In fact, for us, silence is more powerful than words. Our elders were trained in the ways of silence, and they handed over this knowledge to us. Observe, listen, and then act, they would tell us. That was the manner of living.

With you, it is just the opposite. You learn by talking. You reward the children that talk the most at school. In your parties, you all try to talk at the same time. In your work, you are always having meetings in which everybody interrupts everybody and all talk five, ten or a hundred times. And you call that ‘solving a problem’. When you are in a room and there is silence, you get nervous. You must fill the space with sounds. So you talk compulsorily, even before you know what you are going to say.

White people love to discuss. They don’t even allow the other person to finish a sentence. They always interrupt. For us Indians, this looks like bad manners or even stupidity. If you start talking, I’m not going to interrupt you. I will listen. Maybe I’ll stop listening if I don’t like what you are saying, but I won’t interrupt you.

When you finish speaking, I’ll make up my mind about what you said, but I will not tell you I don’t agree unless it is important. Otherwise, I’ll just keep quiet and I’ll go away. You have told me all I need to know. There is no more to be said. But this is not enough for the majority of white people.

People should regard their words as seeds. They should sow them, and then allow them to grow in silence. Our elders taught us that the earth is always talking to us, but we should keep silent in order to hear her.

There are many voices besides ours. Many voices…”

-Ella Deloria

#prayers #ojibway #culture

Fake It!

I was called “fake” once. At the time it set me back on my heels for a moment but then I felt I needed to let it go over my head and save that verbs human definition for another day. Well, todays the day!

So what is the definition of a fake person?

A person who falsely claims to be, feel, or do something can be said to be fake. When a friend acts sweet but spreads rumors about you behind your back, you can call her a fake. As a verb, fake means to take an action with the intent to deceive.

After a lot of early morning thought, when my brain is clear of daily mumbo jumbo, I read that definition a few times..and…I don’t feel I have ever honestly tried to deceive any one. If I didn’t say what another person wanted to hear, I was protecting him or her from the truth of my reality at the time. I guess back then that made me a people pleaser, which these days I try 99% of the time not to be. But again any actions I take regarding my own life are not any one else’s business. Yet even today I am not motivated by pure self interest or distrustful of any one persons sincerity or integrity. I pick my battles these days because I learnt there is no way I can save the day for any one, I am too busy saving myself..lol.

Having worked in addictions, I read the big book a few times, went through the assignments and watched the videos. There are times my thoughts in a moment bring me back to one of the twelve steps.. today my thoughts bring me back to STEP 4.. which is..

“Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

After you decide to put your life into the hands of your Higher Power, the next step (Step 4 of the 12-Step Program) is to make a moral inventory of yourself and your life. To do this, you must also be willing to accept what you discover and clean up your life to make space for a new way of living.

So..am I fake? I guess that depends who you ask

All I can respond to it is…it is what it is and I wish you the best in this short life. Also I apologize for any pain I may have caused any one. No buts about it.

Peace!

#peace #fake #steps #inventory #battles #life #step4