It’s like, you are looking but can’t see..
You can hear, but are not listening..
You can feel, but you are numb..
You rich out, but you can’t connect..
You are climbing the ladder of live, one day at a time, but you can’t seem to reach the top. On occasion you slip on a rung, but you keep climbing, holding your breath, as you take one step, then another and another.
You are so tired, but you can’t sleep.
You are thinking but you are in a thoughtless mode.
Little do you realize, within your body, all those things are straining your muscles, all organs, your brain, any growth, physically, mentally or emotionally.
You don’t have an appetite anymore, yet you need your hunger fed.
Another day goes by, another week, another month, another year and then it starts again..another day… .. another…
Then one day, as you are going through all the motions of life without really being there in mind, body or spirit, you feel your self begin to fall backwards off life’s ladder!
And you just don’t have the strength to hold on! So you descend deeper and deeper into the dark, so far from the light…
You hit the ground, you hit bottom! Emotions nil! Mentally drained! And just maybe physically broken.. like I was.. a heart attack.
Now you are in ICU, the doctor tells you.. “you had a heart attack.”.. he keeps talking but you don’t hear a word he said after those 5 first words..
You sit on the edge of the bed, hooked up to monitors, hearing the beep of your heart beat.. feel the arm cuff tightening and loosening, as it takes your blood pressure every hour.
The sun is shining, bright, streaming through the window, heating the room and your body, but you feel chilled from the inside out.
You lower yourself down to your pillow, curl up in a fetal position and before you fall into a deep sleep, one tear falls from your eye, the cotton pillow case absorbing it as quickly as it touches the material.
You wake to the voice of a nurse, who has brought your dinner. As you slowly open your eyes, you forget where you are, until the odor of disinfectant enters your nasal passages, the rough cotton sheets are against your legs and cheek. You sit up, close your eyes, open your eyes and you are still in the same place.
Yesterday is kind of forgotten because you have been numb for so long. After a chat with a counselor and with consent, you are given a new medication for depression. And you sleep and sleep and sleep even more. Because your mind, body and spirit need that sleep to recover to a degree, but you know, this did not happen over night and won’t be fixed over night.
You want to live, you need to live, a life on this earth, so you have to make a choice, the choice that true warriors make, to take life by the horns and make it yours again!
That was 13 years ago and hear I am.. bright eyed and loving life. Yes I have physical ailments and still have the odd sad day, but I took the time in those first years to do what I had to do for me.. I had to mend, totally!
If I can do it, anyone can do it! You got this!
#tunnelvision #depression #heartattack #sadness #recovery #selfawareness #fufillment #choices #numbness #physical #emotional #mindful