My Trail Mix

me4I started walking this path the day I was born, but it did not become a reality for me until 2005 and I don’t think it will ever end.

My belief in something greater than myself.. a Goddess, a God, a Creator.

This Creator of mine is not who/what my parents believed in, the schools or churches I went to as a child. This Creator is something/someone who was with me through all my own life experiences, the most recent since 2005. My Creator has brought me comfort and salvation through lessons and unconditional love.  My Creator showed me, my own strength.

Until the day comes when we all hit our bottoms or begin searching for peace of mind, soul and body, the Creator awaits without judgement, arms wide open and guidance.

I found my Creator between the Wicca teachings and my native culture. I am fulfilled and humbly grateful.

 

 

Who, What, Where & When Am I?

And then came you…
We are what we feel. Learning to manage your feeling, understanding them, is one of the “tools” that we can never do without, as we continue on our individual journey, on this earth. Sometimes it takes seeking out a neutral party to learn how to do that, to get those tools of life management. We are alive to learn, to evolve and when we stop doing those things, it can be so easy to become depressed and feel alone. Because we forget that we are never really alone, there is you, yourself and the “I”. Sometimes taking a look inward at YOU can be a scary thing, so we take the easy way and focus on everyone else, everything else instead, never really being happy or experiencing that feeling of contentment. We blame others for our unhappiness, when all we have to do, is ask ourselves, who, what, where, when.
Who are you?
What are you?
Where are you?
When are you happy?
Leaving unhappiness, is not always easy, especially if we have been living there a long time.
One cold winter night,  year 3 of 11 years single, my evening ritual of getting ready to go to bed, took about an hour. I took the long soak in bubbles, with music low, then straightened up the cushions on the sofa, put my tea mug in the sink and once I shut off all the lights, made my way to my bedroom. It was so quiet. I had no neighbors close by, so from outside all I could hear was the winter wind blowing up against the house. I stood at my dresser, brushed the knots out of my hair to tie it up and started to think to myself..
.. is this not where I am suppose to be feeling lonely? In the quiet at night, being single, with no one around? No one to say good night to, or to hear those words being said to me? No one to remind me of tomorrows agenda? There was no one but me. Aren’t I suppose to be lonely after so many nights of this? I stopped brushing my hair, stood there in the complete silence, looked at myself in the mirror, closed my eyes and concentrated on that feeling of, loneliness.. but.. I wasn’t feeling it.. it wasn’t erupting from deep within my heart and soul. I opened my eyes and smiled at the lady in the mirror and said..
I’m okay!
Who am I? I am, me, myself and I !
What am I? I am happy !
Where am I? In a great place in my life !
When am I happy? When ever I chose to be!

28a209f2533df47121949fcb7427efd5

(Alfred Stevens – Woman in front of a mirror (c.1870)

 

 
I made choices, in the best interest of me. And realized that life is not about pleasing everyone else. To be original, we have to please ourselves first. And no one said it was going to be easy, but nothing worth everything, is pain free. We have to endure the pain, to appreciate the healing.
Yes, life on earth is a journey and we have to take our individual paths, over the speed bumps, through the stormy weather. There is no short cuts. There is a quote I read..
“If you go through the tunnel you will come out better on the other end, but if you go around, you avoided the whole journey.”
My journey is not over by a long shot. I was ready for company on my life’s journey and I found or, was found by, the perfect person for me, to come/go along for the ride. I am so ready to learn, to see the world through his eyes and relate to him my visions of the world and life as I see it. I am proud to ride, “shotgun” and enjoy the view at this point.
And if my life on this earth is to end, which it will, just when, I don’t know… how does that song go by ole blue eyes?
“I did it my way!”

I Just Gave Up!

I gave up on us
broken pieces
I gave up on my addiction
foggy decisions
I gave up on conditional love
aching hearts
I gave up on taming my demons
toxic energies
I just gave up
because… sometimes
…..one has to be strong enough to just let go……
so
I
just
gave
up!

~ written by Snowy Impressions – November 14, 2016

901abcedc13df96a222617d91319dfd9

If You Only Knew!!

I wonder at times if people realize what it takes for another person to be on this planet day after day? What struggles they survive and continue to survive because they won’t ask for help or charity. Do you ever look at a person and think, they are living a good life, after all they are dressed nicely, they present themselves in a clean, positive way, so they must be living a happy life, right? Look at them, they are smiling! They are happy! They are not skinny or look pale in skin color, they are healthy looking, well fed. They are living a good life.
They don’t complain on a daily basis or hardly ever about life, so they must be living a good life and are happy!
Ohh, but if you only knew..
…how much pain physically that person was in, under that smile.
..if you only knew, the emotionaly pain that person goes through on a daily basis, because they don’t want to come across as a complainer or whiner.
.. if you only knew what that person went without in the food cupboard this month so they could enjoy a night out or pick up that personal item, to treat themselves.
.. if you only know how much pasta and breads were in their cupbaord because they can’t afford fresh veggies and fruit on a daily basis.
..if you only knew that few extra pounds is hiding a very sad person, most of the time.
..if you only knew how many singles of all ages were living below the poverty line set in Ontario and won’t complain.
..if you only knew how much it hurts that person to hear you are tired of paying their way in life with tax dollars off your paycheck.
..if you only knew how many that live below the poverty line are there because of a mental or physical disability, but don’t want to say out loud, in fear of being judged.
… if you only knew how blessed you are to have a good paying job, a new car, a beautiful home, cupboards full of food, children never wanting for anything because all they have to do is ask.
..if you only knew how close you are to living a life of poverty..
..if you only knew…..how much your words hurt.
.. if you only knew, that person did not wake up one day and say, I want to live a life of poverty for the rest of my life and be labelled by society. Because society will judge.. always..  whether it be about, your race, color, religion, weight, income source or something as simple as what side of the street you walk on…
.. if you only knew…  the first person who would open their door and heart to you would be the person you judged yesterday..
.. if you only knew….

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

It was the year of someone’s Lord, 1961, on March 6th. A cool frosty morning, a child was born. The 4th child, the 1st daughter to the parents, who will bring 7 more into this God forsaken world before they were done. So almost as if she knew there were more babies to come, the Mommy decided, she would breast feed her little angel, she called Cynthia. (ahem) . She was set into her Mom’s waiting arms, the nurse watching as baby latched on and began to feed. So she left Mother and child in peace as they bonded. But Mommy was tired and as baby fed, Mommy began to fall asleep. Like a deer in headlights baby Cynthia could see Mommy’s eyes getting heavy till they eventually closed, then she felt herself slipping from Mommy’s arms! Oh no!.. Yes.. Mommy let go of Baby Cynthia and to the commercial tile, the hospital floor, she landed, upon her head. 18 Nurse come running into room, to find Baby Cynthia crying like a baby and Mommy crying like a Mommy who just dropped her baby. Ah yes.. Baby Cynthia knew at that point, that this life was going to be suck! and it began on the commercial tile at the Espanola Hospital in 1961… Fack! Someone get me a a Tylenol, I have a headache just thinking of it ffs!…. anyway.. HAPPY 55TH BIRTHDAY TO ME!.. I’m still here!.. BAM

Next!?

From my own experience and talking with others, I can say that whether we were in a 3 mths – 30 yrs or more in a relationship. then, Separate!..A Resolve time is 1 plus years time needed… to figure out where it went wrong, to take responsibility for one’s part, forgive the other for theirs and most importantly to figure yourself.

Jumping from one relationship to another without unpacking in between, eventually leaves no room for new memories, because the past keeps busting out and reminding us of their existence.

But for some of us.. our egos, sit proudly on our shoulders, whispering, “You’re okay, you’ll do fine, what did she/he know anyways.”

We can’t or shouldn’t devote a portion of our love and say I love you and not take time to recover from something we thought could withstand anything only to be picking up broken pieces from one relationship to the next. We need to commit to some self-care. There are tons of self-help books out there and professionals willing to  give us the tools to mend hearts and souls.

My Father’s Daughter


—————

As a human race we have evolved in many great ways and not so many great ways. Technology has come a long way, to the point, everything gets video taped. There is no more second guessing what may have happened when someone breaks the law, it will be filmed, even when it is the law who is breaking it. No one is safe from getting caught red handed. But there is just as many who do invade the privacy of others with that technology, from young people posting pictures on social sites of a girl who in the heat of the moment may have trusted a guy, was using her heart instead of her head and that heart felt moment for her turns into heartache. .she commits suicide because the world sees what 99% of people did at some point in their life, trust someone, and she was taped and shamed. Then you have people who abuse women and children. Twenty years ago or more, women and children were abused behind closed doors, nothing was said by the abused when they left that home, afraid of retaliation if they did. Suppressed and belittled, that woman and or child endured years of abuse. And the sad part of that one is.. IT IS STILL HAPPENING!!!.. In this day and age, that abuse is still happening, even with all the technology, warnings and help out there, the abuser is still abusing. And that woman and child are still suppressed and made to feel shame. This has to change. We need to evolve to where that abuser will think twice before raising that hand or voice, we need the abuser to fear what will happen if he does, we need the abuser to be suppressed and feel shame. Then I think about how much abuse and suppression has happened to the indigenous people in this great country. If only we had today’s technology back in those days, to record the abuse of this country’s indigenous nation. But it is no secret, it is written, somewhere, for all to read. It is just we have become mind lazy. If we don’t see instantaneously, what did or is happening, we tend not to believe or take the time to understand. I am a daughter of one of those native children put in a residential school. No I was not there at the time, no I never seen film footage of what my father went through as a child. But I know for a fact how he felt, not only as a child, suppressed and abused, but as an adult who’s dignity and self right was stripped from him. I know for a fact the shame he felt at the hands of the white man, the priests, because I was at the receiving end of my father’s hand for many years and as a child had no idea what I was doing wrong to warrant such abuse and I am not going to speak for anyone else in our household, because every one has their story. Every child has a story to tell when they grow into adults, IF and that is a big IF, they live long enough to realize they did nothing wrong and begin to heal and forgive. Don’t get me wrong, I love my father with all my heart. I understand my father, even today, after he has passed over, the wrong that was done him as a child, as a native child and I have forgiven him because of what he shared with me. However, that little boy and little native girl from back in the day, is and are still being abused and taken for granted, the offspring, the great grandchildren of those children, are still being suppressed and made to feel like they are not worthy of protection from abusers and killers. Their mother’s and fathers are being told that their child’s death is not a priority to this country’s government. And once the house burns down, killing 2 native babies, once the smoke settles, ashes to ashes, the silence is deafening… no one is hearing the cries of the women and children of indigenous heritage..
But! I hope and pray that as this world evolves, in time, so does the understanding, no matter your race, religion or color of your skin, your life does matter to your neighbour, to your government. And that the need for healing is so great. But to heal, the non-native needs to take the time to read, to talk, to listen to what has happened to their indigenous brothers and sisters and stand beside them, not in front of them and no child is left behind in shame or alone in the darkness of being misunderstood, because a little light was always shining, but made brighter with the empathy of ALL the peoples of this great country, we call Canada!
———–
“I learned from what The elders say along the path of my healing journey. Wounded people often learn to become the wounded healers because they develop empathy for the suffering of others. ‘The longest road you’re going to have to walk is from your head to your heart.’ But they also say you can’t speak to the people as a leader unless you’ve made the return journey. From the heart back to the head.” ~ E.Morgan