Where’s Your Toque!?

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One thing I hated as a child, was when Mom would make me wear a toque to school on cold winter mornings. And the only time she could make when was when she couldn’t find the hair brush that morning.

“Just put a toque on!” she would yell from the other room.
Argh! I would pout and say no, lets just find the brush. But she would interrupt me by saying I was going to be late for the bus, put on the dam toque and get out there with your brothers.

I had these 3 older brothers that would tease me all the time. Knowing, I hated wearing a toque, surely one of them would point and snicker at me, usually my brother Joey, rest in peace Bro, wishing you were still here to tease me.
And the toques back then were NOT like the cute toques now. Nope, you had a, itchy wool, blah colored toque, that was worn to keep your noggin warm. And heaven help me if I tried to remove it from my head at school, the static, would stand my messed up hair on end.

OMG!!

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My Tunnel Vision

I can only speak for myself with regards to experiencing, tunnel vision. It wasn’t as much as a vision as it was a feeling, but to describe the feeling, tunnel vision does it. When I went through a traumatic experience, it was like the world around me did not exist, periodically I hear voices, I see faces, smiling and mad faces, kind and mean words I would hear, but it was never really comprehended because it was happening so fast and I was in a zone, where no one else could enter, I am going to call it.. my sanity.

 

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Yes to remain sane at a certain level I had to zone out, I had to keep the tunnel vision because if I did not, I would truly fall apart and be engulfed into a hellish abyss, surely never to return. That is how I felt at the time. I can’t recall how long I was seeing only with tunnel vision, but it did feel like a life time, maybe it was? One of the worst times of my life, yet my saving grace.
After a while I began to walk the tunnel, I needed to get to the end of it, while the outside world cascaded around me and I was feeling the weight of the world, I needed to get out from the pressure before it broke me.
I curled up in a fetal position, protecting, I thought, my heart and soul, which surely would of been swallowed up in the tunnel. I shed tears because it was the only thing that would aid in my way out of the tunnel, my lubricate of life, my tears.
Yes, it took years, to be able to stand tall, to smile again, to know its okay to be me.
Surely having tunnel vision is a place I never want to enter again, but today, I know I withstood the walk through, I held on. Could it make me or break me if I was to enter it again? I don’t want to ever have to find out.

Wanting More In A Relationship

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I do believe I have said this before, a few times, I get the greatest enhancement in life when I am in discussions with others around me, whether it be with one person or a dozen. I come to realize just how much this pleases me when I attended a workshop in Toronto a few years back. On this particular day there was approximately 20 people attending and we were asked to set our chairs in a circle before we sat on them, then we were told by our guide of the day, it was a talking circle, where a feather is passed around the circle and the holder of the feather can vocalize their thoughts on any subject without interference. Yes, this is one of my cultural practices, talking circles, peacemaking circles, or healing circles are deeply rooted in the traditional practices of the indigenous peoples. When we are amongst friends, we don’t need to be holding a feather to get the respect of being listened to when talking, it is what good friends do, listen.
So we listen and we learn, which always leads me to defining a certain outlook on any subject and understanding it even though I may not agree with it.

One subject that has come up many times in the past few years is, settling, whether it be in a relationship we are currently in or not settling for anything but the perfect relationship when we are single and looking.
I wonder how much attraction we need to another person to be satisfied that it is the right relationship for us? I don’t care for the word, settling, I find it leaves the one, a person decides to stay with as a partner, mediocre and not going to be a relationship of abundance or one that makes us fully happy, with the relationship or ourselves as a person. And what about the person who says they will always want more?

That scares me also. I don’t think I want to be with someone who is always wanting more. If we spend our time looking for the perfect partner, the one that fits just right in each of those labelled pockets we have made, well, I don’t think we’re ever going to find the perfect partner. We’re always going to be dissatisfied; our attitude is always going to make us unhappy. And relationships driven by this type of attitude is self destructive. The perfect partner is a myth, a fairy tale and the chances of it ever happening are pretty much a big zero.

So, then I think, what do we look for in a partner, whether we are single and looking or in a long term relationship, how do we grow as a couple at the same time not loose ourselves in it?
Acceptance is the word that comes to mind for me,

Accepting of our partners short comings, not expecting every day to be a day of laying in a bed of roses eating bon bons, that there will be days we feel more of the thorns and take a bite of a bad fruit, but we learn how to cope with the bad, together. We stop looking for perfection because that only will lead us to the door of disappointment. There will be days, we burn the roast, there will be days the intimate relations was better for one and not the other, to name a couple mishaps in any relationship. Yet we learn to live one day at a time but at the same time realizing that each and every one of us deserves to be happy and we need to be happy for each other, whether together or apart. No one likes to see couples part ways, especially the two that make the couple.. Just keep in mind.. No one is perfect.

Where were you?

ImageNo one knows what goes on behind closed doors, yet I have seen it again and again how people will judge others on what they think they know and listening to gossip. But no matter, the people that love you uncondtionaly will stand by you even with out hearing both sides of any story, because the natural thing to do is support those we love. I dedicate this poem to the victims of abuse.. abused from both sides of the door.

 

Where were you?

when I was being choked?

Where were you

when he tried to run me

off the road?

Where were you

when I was bathing

bruises on my body?

Where were you

when I heard

the gun cabinet door?

Where were you

when I was called

a slut and whore?

I needed you then,

but got the cold shoulder

Where were you?