Sometimes It Hurts To Stay

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For as many reasons a relationship begins, there are just as many reasons they end. People come and go in our lives every day. However, no one goes into a marriage thinking that it will end 9 months, 9 years or 25 years down the road. People change, things develop and if both are not able to cope with change or an issue that develops, more than likely there will be a separation and or divorce.

I don’t believe it makes one person bad and the other good, no matter who left or who was left. If there is one thing I have noticed when any separation that has turned into a all out fight to the finish, it is because some one is not owning up to the fact and the roll they played in the relationship.

Yes, there are those who take it to extremes when it comes to dividing up the goods accumulated during the union or the extreme mental abuse at times when one was truly insulted or hurt by their spouse. For as much positive and heart we put into the relationship in the beginning, why do we drag it through the mud at the end of it?

We did love that person to a degree at one point in time, no matter the level and it deserves respect because when we sabotage it at every turn during a separation or divorce, we are not giving ourselves as a person the respect we deserve also.

And no one can tell me that if a person leaves any relationship with a huge chip on their shoulder that they will be able to enjoy a new love like they would if that chip was not there. We end up bringing all that baggage into a new one and that is so unfair to the next person, but also unfair to ourselves because we just may be robbing ourselves of a new mate that may have been our Prince Charming or Angel.

I went to counselling before my separation and continued with it afterwards also. You don’t commit to something for a length of time and leave it without some issues.

And as for the people around us, those that respected you both as a couple should also respect you as individuals.

No matter if you are the one that left or the one who was left, find a support system, whether it be family, friends or strangers in group therapy. It’s okay to admit we hurt, everybody hurts.

The worse life is one lived in such a pitiful way where a person feels they do so much more than others & act like others just sit there & feed off all their good deeds. It sure is the road of loneliness if nothing else. The sooner we realize the world owes us nothing, the quicker we pass go and reap the rewards life has to offer.

.. Sometimes it hurts to stay….

Wanting More In A Relationship

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I do believe I have said this before, a few times, I get the greatest enhancement in life when I am in discussions with others around me, whether it be with one person or a dozen. I come to realize just how much this pleases me when I attended a workshop in Toronto a few years back. On this particular day there was approximately 20 people attending and we were asked to set our chairs in a circle before we sat on them, then we were told by our guide of the day, it was a talking circle, where a feather is passed around the circle and the holder of the feather can vocalize their thoughts on any subject without interference. Yes, this is one of my cultural practices, talking circles, peacemaking circles, or healing circles are deeply rooted in the traditional practices of the indigenous peoples. When we are amongst friends, we don’t need to be holding a feather to get the respect of being listened to when talking, it is what good friends do, listen.
So we listen and we learn, which always leads me to defining a certain outlook on any subject and understanding it even though I may not agree with it.

One subject that has come up many times in the past few years is, settling, whether it be in a relationship we are currently in or not settling for anything but the perfect relationship when we are single and looking.
I wonder how much attraction we need to another person to be satisfied that it is the right relationship for us? I don’t care for the word, settling, I find it leaves the one, a person decides to stay with as a partner, mediocre and not going to be a relationship of abundance or one that makes us fully happy, with the relationship or ourselves as a person. And what about the person who says they will always want more?

That scares me also. I don’t think I want to be with someone who is always wanting more. If we spend our time looking for the perfect partner, the one that fits just right in each of those labelled pockets we have made, well, I don’t think we’re ever going to find the perfect partner. We’re always going to be dissatisfied; our attitude is always going to make us unhappy. And relationships driven by this type of attitude is self destructive. The perfect partner is a myth, a fairy tale and the chances of it ever happening are pretty much a big zero.

So, then I think, what do we look for in a partner, whether we are single and looking or in a long term relationship, how do we grow as a couple at the same time not loose ourselves in it?
Acceptance is the word that comes to mind for me,

Accepting of our partners short comings, not expecting every day to be a day of laying in a bed of roses eating bon bons, that there will be days we feel more of the thorns and take a bite of a bad fruit, but we learn how to cope with the bad, together. We stop looking for perfection because that only will lead us to the door of disappointment. There will be days, we burn the roast, there will be days the intimate relations was better for one and not the other, to name a couple mishaps in any relationship. Yet we learn to live one day at a time but at the same time realizing that each and every one of us deserves to be happy and we need to be happy for each other, whether together or apart. No one likes to see couples part ways, especially the two that make the couple.. Just keep in mind.. No one is perfect.