My Tunnel Vision

I can only speak for myself with regards to experiencing, tunnel vision. It wasn’t as much as a vision as it was a feeling, but to describe the feeling, tunnel vision does it. When I went through a traumatic experience, it was like the world around me did not exist, periodically I hear voices, I see faces, smiling and mad faces, kind and mean words I would hear, but it was never really comprehended because it was happening so fast and I was in a zone, where no one else could enter, I am going to call it.. my sanity.

 

tunnel

 
Yes to remain sane at a certain level I had to zone out, I had to keep the tunnel vision because if I did not, I would truly fall apart and be engulfed into a hellish abyss, surely never to return. That is how I felt at the time. I can’t recall how long I was seeing only with tunnel vision, but it did feel like a life time, maybe it was? One of the worst times of my life, yet my saving grace.
After a while I began to walk the tunnel, I needed to get to the end of it, while the outside world cascaded around me and I was feeling the weight of the world, I needed to get out from the pressure before it broke me.
I curled up in a fetal position, protecting, I thought, my heart and soul, which surely would of been swallowed up in the tunnel. I shed tears because it was the only thing that would aid in my way out of the tunnel, my lubricate of life, my tears.
Yes, it took years, to be able to stand tall, to smile again, to know its okay to be me.
Surely having tunnel vision is a place I never want to enter again, but today, I know I withstood the walk through, I held on. Could it make me or break me if I was to enter it again? I don’t want to ever have to find out.

Foggy State Of Mind?

“How many steps does it take to be happy with life, my own life? 12 (Twelve) even if you’re not an addict. It’s all about learning how not to live a life in a foggy state of mind.. for those of us weak, emotionally, mentally, depressed and lonely.. Don’t believe it? Ask me 🙂 You already see my happiness. It was the best 12 steps I ever took to a fulfilling state of mind.” – Snowy

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Older And Wiser Women

I have many great lady friends, who age from late 20’s to their 60’s. And no matter what our ages, so many of we females believe what the male gender says, as gospel and even some other women will call out on other women because of, either size, age, and or financial status. To the point that when someone pays us compliments, we are not believing it. What a crying shame, that we think the numbers on a scale, the color of our hair, the dollars in our bank account or candles on a birthday cake take such an unhealthy place in our lives. Leaving us, depressed and feeling unworthy of unconditional love. For myself, being over 45 and single for almost 11 years, I have heard it all from NOT a few good men, the reasons why I am single or why they don’t bother with women over 40 something. Below is a few of those statements I have heard, honestly. And if I am hearing them, I am going to assume many other women over 40, have heard them as well.
So the next time someone ask me why am I still single? I am going to laugh and say..
I am way too much woman.. I am an aged, soft body, mother grandmother, loving life, with my sexy self and so sweet, the dental association has a warning out regarding my sweetness, that I may spoil you rotten!! I am made for the stronger ‘man’, who knows what beauty really is and knows I compete with NO other women, does not matter their age, body size or bank account.. I AM INDEPENDENTLY OWNED AND OPERATED!
Why So Many over 50 years old Women are Still Single… statements by men 40+
1. You’re too old
2. You don’t have a tight body
3. You don’t party like I do
4. You remind me of my Mother
5. You spend too much time with your grandchildren
6. You aren’t sexy
7. I need eye candy on my arm
My responses
1. I’m too mature for your punkass!
2. This body could teach your body a few things
3. I’m a social drinker, not an alcoholic
4. If I was your momma, well!!
5. My grandchildren are my rewards for doing something right for this world. What is yours?
6. You wouldn’t know sexy if it hit you upside the heard
7. That sugar on your arm will dissolve as she ages eventually becoming the diamond like me. And you can’t handle this diamond now, I know you can’t when you reach my age!
Here’s to all the mature women, single women, out there, you are beautiful, from the inside out, where it counts! Rise in the morning, count your blessings, Eat healthy, put some color on your cheeks, toss that hair, dress to please yourself and leave your home feeling good about yourself, because you ARE beautiful and worthy of every ray of sunshine that shines down on you today!!

Stopping By At AA

It’s Sunday! My day of processing so many thoughts and yes at times I do overthink things. Thank goodness I don’t share all those things with you, your head would be spinning on a daily basis.. lol ..I don’t mind my way of thinking, it has gotten me to a point in my life that I am comfortable with. I have picked and tossed things aside, let go of relations that did not bring some kind of joy to my life. Of course we all have our bad days, no life is perfect, yet it is a joy to be around people that take responsibility of their lives and do their own personal best to make it better, gaining a certain serenity and peace of mind.
One of the things, that has helped me over the years, was working at the 12 step rehab center. A place that you can not understand and become a part of unless you dive into the teachings, to gain knowledge, to gain empathy of the clients you are existing with on  a day to day basis. I was struggling at the time with my own life and it was not with drugs or alcohol, but I will say, that it is the 12 steps that got me through those times. I did alter each step to work for myself, to work for my spiritual and emotional self, for my depressed self.
I thought I would share with you, how I did that. I don’t know if any one has done this as well, but it worked for me and I can honestly say, I would not be here to day if I did not take the time to .. read.. watch.. and listen to all involved, from the employees, employers, bosses and clients. We are on this earth to learn and at times without realizing it teach others… as they ALL did for me.
1. I admitted I was powerless over the darkness of a cloud I was under and needed help to open up my skies again.
2.I really did believe that a Higher Power, greater than myself would help me restore my sanity
3. I made a decision to turn my life over to a program that could and should only enable me to rise above the darkness.
4. I began to look at myself and all that I had packed deep down into my soul over the past 40 years, good and or bad.
5. I admitted to a professional what the nature of the wrongs done to me and the wrongs I may have done to others honestly
6. I began to remove the defects of my character that were only weighing me down daily.
7. I humbled myself to my Higher Power with open arms.
8. I made a list of people who my actions may have caused harm to
9. I wrote a letter to each of those persons, sometimes several letters and not always presenting it to them, yet making peace with myself.
10.  I continue to validate my self and my feelings, being worthy of the greatest attention.
11. I prayed, to my Higher Power,  to gain strength as I continued my journey on this planet earth.
12. And the greatest part of it all , was my spiritual awakening, as a result of taking one day at a time. That spiritual awakening being something so grand, so bright, that I vowed not to let a day pass me by without, inspiring another, so that just maybe.. maybe,. at least one person, will begin to see what a great life we can lead, if we just take the first step on our own personal spiritual journey!!