A Mother’s Son

My Son My Hero
My Son My Hero

I love my Mother, even more now, that she has passed over, because I realize what great part she played in my life. I am female and miss all that she was feminine and then I try to imagine what the male gender learns from their Mother while she is alive and what they miss when she is passed. We are all teachers and our greatest teachers are our parents.. Whether those teachings are good or bad.. We are being taught. It is really up to us what we walk away with.

However. I want to talk about Mothers and Sons.. A few years ago, a gentleman friend said mothers need to stop babying their sons because they are only raising weak men when they do. Yes love your son but teach him strength. Well of course being a Mommy and a defiant one at times, I disagree and got on the defence, meaning I argued with him.

But today I do see what he is saying.. When I say.. See.. I mean I see how babying our sons would leave them fighting with themselves, always searching for their own identity as they age. Thank God some do find it, but there are those that don’t. Those that get swallowed up by a weakened society and they become a part of the weakness. They go against the grain of who and what they are meant to be.. Strong. The male gender needs their strength to make it in this screwed up world these days, especially today.

So how do I suggest that be done by Mothers?. Stop being such control freaks!! Let their fathers lead them, teach them and stop letting our feelings towards their fathers or the male race in general get in the way of our son’s teaching. This is one of those times when we combine thoughts with feelings, when in reality they are quite different.

When I look at my son today.. He is strength. He is strong in so many ways. Yes his father and I are divorced, but when it come to my children’s father, he did his best at that job. His role as father, a good father can not be denied. My son today, stands up for what he believes in.. family first and will defend that family no matter what. He loves his lady, his babies and does what he needs to do to see their needs are met.

He is on guard.

As my son’s mother, I gave him advice on how to love and what love means to the people around him, but I did not take away his pride, with control. He learnt from his mistakes. And it was hard for me as a mother, the need to protect, yet allowing him to make mistakes at the same time. I am positive I made mistakes in his upbringing as well.

I knew I did my job as a Mother when after 30 years, I got this one special phone call, this summer, from my son and thanked me for being the mother I was to him. For what I taught him about women and how to love a woman.

My job here is done.. No questions asked or waiting to be asked. He is the man of his own life with good morals. What more could I ask for?.. Nothing.

What If..

Joey And I in 1975

I don’t think there is many of us who can say we don’t feel some sadness during this time of year when it comes to missing a loved one who has passed over. One of my greatest 3 is, my brother, Joey.
I do miss him dearly and of course hindsight is 20/20 and the what ifs are now I wish I had.

It was the late evening in the month of May – my phone rang – a baby sister – one of 4 younger sisters – I being the eldest daughter – sobbing on the phone telling me I need to get down to the river- something was wrong – Joey went into the water and had not come back out. Speed not a factor we raced down to the river – parking the vehicle up on the ridge – not being able to see what was below except the odd glimmer of the steel bars on a swing set or the sparkle of the half moon atop the water -which was like a plate of glass that night. I rushed down the stairs to come upon Joeys’ best friend wrapped in a blanket – his wife rubbing his arms to warm him up – tears in her eyes and his as he said to me – “I tried Cynthia – I tried to reach him but the water is so cold.”- I walked to the waters edge and began to call his name – over and over again – my throat beginning to pain – but I did not quit. Other family members started to arrive- the word was out- friends from town were launching their boats in the water up the river a ways I could hear the boat motors being started then the chugging of them as they began a slow pace along the rivers edge – the fire department and police arrived – Joeys’ best friend being questioned I could see from the corner of my eye – as I sat on the cool beach sand not 20 feet from the shore- I let my eyes drift from one side of the river – up and down – but could see nothing but the shadows of the trees across the way – my eyes kept descending on a spot not 50 feet from where I sat- where a slight more movement was than the rest of the water around it- it was a current- that is where he is I thought to myself – then at the same time thinking- that bugger was probably sitting on a rock across the way getting a chuckle from what was taking place- not that he would – but I guess for me was easier to believe he was alive and laughing as he was earlier that day when I seen him.

Several hours later a police officer come to us- Joeys’ siblings who were present to say- it has now come a search and recover not a search and rescue and paid their condolences to us. – there was shock on most of the faces – when I broke the silence saying that Mom and Dad needed to be told now- before we left to go to our parents home – I was volunteered to voice what had happened that evening to our parents once we all were in their home.

Getting our parents out of bed at 5:30 am to answer the door – was not a feat- as they always opened the door readily to their adult children over the last few years- having 11 children there always seemed to be some one in turmoil and looking for a place to sit it out for a day or 2 or just a night. They sat at the kitchen table as we stood around the kitchen – I began from the beginning- told them all that had taken place earlier and how the next day divers would be brought in to recover the body from the depths of the Sauble River.

There is no cry as hair raising or heart breaking as that of a Mother who has just been told her child had died – her repeating his name over and over almost as if she said it enough he would appear before us all.

Joeys’ funeral took place on the reservation – a 4 day rite – with a sacred fire burning 24 hours a day for 4 days – native drummers & singers coming in to chant daily over those hours-the mass of people that streamed thru the hall was astounding – I had a couple younger sisters sobbing heavily as I embraced them – I would go up to the coffin- lay my hand on his chest – say a prayer – talk to him – tell him I knew he was at peace –

I seen that as his body was brought from the depths of the river the next day – denim jeans, a shirt, bare feet and his glasses still sitting atop his nose- his face not strained but at peace.

I could feel the braces criss crossed over his chest to hold his body down within the coffin- periodically seeing a bead of water atop his nose – a sweat bead? -no- water exiting his body from being deep within for 24 hour. I had always heard that to drown is not a painful death- a slight burning in the chest- I believe that now after seeing his face when he was laid on the shore that afternoon.

This time of year, I seen his face and smile, hear his laughter before that day, but I also see the face that was brought from the water, to the shore.

I love my brother dearly, he was there for me in our childhood and teen years and answered the call in our adult years.

Pray is all I can say to do and what I do, to make it through the holiday season without the sound and touch of loved ones who have passed over.

This song is all about.. what ifs and learning to live with no regrets.. its about, Joey. And I will always be sorry I didn’t do something different earlier that evening, just maybe he would still be here today.. maybe..

But I’m Not An Addict!


The most eye opening, uplifting, most rewarding job I ever had was working at an addictions recovery center, called, Anishnabie Naadmaagi Gamig Substance Abuse Treatment Centre, at northern Ontario.

I worked at a Night watch person, responsible for up to 14 clients daily/nightly on weekends and then a counselor trainee on the weekdays.
As a trainee, I did a mock profile. As a night watch person, I spent my nights ready all the material I could get my eyes on with regards to the program and watched all the videos used in the program.

At the time I was at the center, I had stated that I think everyone, no matter if you don’t have an addiction, should read the BIG BOOK or go through the program.
What eyes would be opened, to the spiritual self and how it would teach us to live, one day at a time and teach why we should. Yes there are some who fall off the wagon, no one is perfect, but you can get back up and there will be a hand reached out to help a person up.

Since I retired from the center, I always meet up with someone, strangers who are/is recovering, striking up a conversation. People recovering have great empathy and respect and see the world so differently.

I’d like to suggest everyone read the BIG BOOK.. below is the link to it, online or if you can find a copy in a bookstore, I suggest you pick it up and give it a read..

God Bless Us All!!


Detaching On My Spiritual Path


I am amazed how things or events occur in my life and I have no real answer why they do. Maybe it is just timing? Maybe it is because I have the strength to deal with the matter?

Something happened this past week, that at the time I thought how odd and then I wanted to give a name to it, but it was not coming to me.

What happened was.. While in a mall shopping with a relative, we come upon this person and when I first looked, it was like I was looking just at anyone in that hallway, then I realize who I was looking at, I realized how there was absolutely NO emotion, good or bad, no thought good or bad, very little recognition and that person was the man I spent 30 years of my life with, my children’s father.

I was kind of floored by it. So I spent a couple days thinking more and more, then I talked to someone and told them what I experienced… she named it.. Emotional Detachment…

I never thought of that term and maybe there are some of you who don’t know what it means.

Remez Sasson explained it best for me…

What is emotional detachment?

You may have never come across this term before, and if you did, you might not have paid attention to it. However, it is an important quality that can save you a lot of emotional inconvenience and suffering.

So what exactly is emotional detachment? It is a state of calmness, and the ability not be emotionally agitated by people, events, and your own thoughts. It helps you conserve your balance and not take things too personally.

This is not a state of indifference, and does not mean lack of interest or lack of feeling. People, who are indifferent, do not care about anything, and are usually passive. True detachment is something else. It is an attitude of common sense, open-mindedness and practical behavior.

People, who posses detachment, accept calmly whatever happens. They accept the good and the bad equally, because their minds are in a state inner balance and peace. If there is something they cannot do or cannot change, it won’t disturb their inner peace. If they are convinced of the importance of a certain action or goal, they will pursue it with all their heart, ignoring distractions easily.

With this kind of attitude, people accept both success and failure. If they succeed, that is fine, and if they don’t, they will either try again, or forget the matter and move on to something else.
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Yes.. It is a part of my Spiritual Path that I am on.. A path that never ends and never ceases to amaze me.. Life is great!!

Come to Me!

The paragraph below was written by an addict.. what she believed her addiction was saying to her or would say to her if it could talk. Be warned it is very heart breaking. Would you want to hear the voice of your addiction? **********************************************************************************************
I hate meetings.. I hate a Higher Power. I hate anyone who has a program. To all who come into contact with me, I wish suffering and I wish death.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am the disease of addiction. Cunning, baffling and powerful, that’s me.
I love to catch you with the element of surprise. I love pretending I am your friend and lover. I have given you comfort,, have I not? Wasn’t I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die, didn’t you call me? I was there.

I love to make you hurt. I love to make you cry. Better yet, I love to make you so numb you can neither hurt nor cry. When you can’t feel anything at all, this is true glory!

I will give you instant gratification and all that I ask of you is long-term suffering. I’ve been there for you always. When things weren’t going right in your life, you invited me. You said you didn’t deserve these good things and I was the only one who would agree with you. Together we were able to destroy all things good in your life.

People don’t take me seriously. The take strokes seriously, heart attacks seriously, even diabetes they take seriously. Good that they are, they do not know that without my help many of these things would not be made possible.

I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited. You choose to have me. So many have chosen me over reality and peace.

More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a Twelve Step Program your meetings, your Higher Power, all weaken me, and I cannot function in the manner I am accustomed to.

Now I must lie here quietly. You don’t see me, but I am growing, bigger than ever. When you only exist, I may live. When you live, I only exist.

But I am here.. And until we meet again, if we meet .. Again,

I wish you suffering and death.
—-by Tonya Rix

My Child’s Protector

child molestor

I attended a church recently where a man was in attendance. In 2008, had a prior dated conviction for sexual assault, also was placed on probation for three years — the maximum permitted under Canada’s Criminal Code.
Prohibited from going to parks, public swimming areas, day-care centres, school yards and playgrounds for three years.
As well, he had to register as a sex offender for five years and must provide a DNA sample for the national registry.
So in 2013 he was no longer registered as a sex offender.

Well, sorry, but to this Momma Bear, once a child molester, always a child molester and even though a sentenced was served according to the law, for me, he is still guilty.

I did stand up to this person and told him to back away from my children and grandchildren. That I did not want him near them! I did not like the comment he made to a 13 year old, I did not like the way he was leering at the girls. He turned my stomach, my back was up and behind me I would make sure was the children, out of his reach in any form.

I as a mother vowed to protect my children when they were born and to give them the necessities of life. I vowed to my Higher Power, to the Law of Ontario, to my Doctor, to all my friends and family , but most importantly, I promised my children to protect them and I don’t care what their ages are or what age my grandchildren are, males and females.. This lady will protect them all and would die to protect them.

Yes, maybe so this church did not know he was convicted in 2008, maybe they have decided he is forgiven. I don’t know. I do know that he made complaint that day, about my telling him to stand back and away from my family, but not one person approached me after he did. I was waiting to be approached and absolutely would of stated my point of view.

What do you think, once a molester, always a molester if he served the time according to the law, that should be enough?