Lost In The Residential School Hallways

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It is said once you can think of an event, a heart breaking event and not shed tears, you have dealt with it and have closure. I don’t know if I ever will be able to think of an ojibway boy child, lost and abused in the halls of a residential school and not shed tears, especially since that boy child grew up to be, my father.

His spirit was left in those hallways and I don’t think he was ever able to retrieve it before he parted this earth in 2006.

As an adult now, I can understand how he lived his years trying to prove his worth and trying to prove it to himself was the greatest struggle of all.

I know he was not all he could of been, as a man, as a husband and father, yet I know he did his personal best and for that, I love him. But my heart will always ache for the boy inside the man.

Thinking of you Dad, always. ..rest in peace.

..

One Foot Off The Bed in 2017

I woke up to below freezing temperatures with the aroma of un-perked coffee, freshly ground coffee beans invading my nostrils, a memory of yesterday. I need to get out of bed, use the facilities and get a pot of freshly ground 100% Columbian a brewing..but…I lay on my back staring at the ceiling at 5:30 am, on a Sunday morning. I was making an effort to rise as my left leg hung off the bed, a rustled comforter twisted beside me and my flannel nighty binding me like a bad mummy Halloween costume. Here I lay, 55 years old, somewhat experienced in the trials of life. Nothing could prepare us for our individual journeys, yet so many have walked the same path of bumps and pot holes, just at a different pace, a different day, a different town, different friends and different families. And maybe we met at a crossroad, I don’t recall but there will be times in your company, I get that feeling of deja vu!

Oh well, yet I still lay here at 55 years old and think of my child rearing days. How old or how young was I again? Does the age matter at this point? It did when my home was filled with teenagers, all thinking they knew what was best and how to live a life without getting guidance from an aging parent. But I tried to explain anyway. Hey! I wasn’t born 35, 38 or 42 years old you know!! I was a teenager once upon a time. Just like you, I knew everything, yet little did I realize back then, like you, I knew nothing, but felt everything.

So here I lay, 55 years old, half out of bed, half in the bed, the sound of the freight train rumbling down the tracks on the south part of town and the still faint memory of freshly ground coffee piercing my morning thoughts, edging me ever so closer to the edge of the bed.

Change is eminent, nothing and no one stays the same. Even our selfish ego got tired of life dramatics, deciding to live and let live. My mental complexity, no longer able to absorb toxic relations, anymore than this 55 year old body could win an Olympic sprint but surely making a spectacle as I trip over life’s hurdles. Till I gained enough smarts to ask for assistance and see who would be on the other end of a life hurdle with hands out, always ready like a great friend would be.

But here I lay, nothing really changed since I first crawled into bed at 10 pm last evening. Wait!! Something has changed..it’s a new year!!! I have wakened into a new year!! I made it! Another year older, another year to try and get it right! Maybe I will find a teenager today to gain some insight on how to live a happy life. And laugh I will!! As they begin to guide me..with such innocence, yet with unknowing ignorance of what really lies ahead for them on their journey. Or maybe go visit an aging parent, in a home, sitting in a rocker, looking out the window, waiting for company, waiting for anyone to come visit and break up the long lonesome day. And listen for a while to his or her stories about life. A life lived, in real time…second by second..minute by minute..hour by hour…day by day..month by month…year by year. Yes the true voice of wisdom awaits my ears, an elder. And another voice.. a teenager awaits my ears…

Happy New Year eh!!!

I jump out of bed, both feet on the floor, another year older..another year to get it right….another year to older and we will never pass this way again…life is short, nothing lasts forever but a memory. Get out there and make some great ones!!

I Just Gave Up!

I gave up on us
broken pieces
I gave up on my addiction
foggy decisions
I gave up on conditional love
aching hearts
I gave up on taming my demons
toxic energies
I just gave up
because… sometimes
…..one has to be strong enough to just let go……
so
I
just
gave
up!

~ written by Snowy Impressions – November 14, 2016

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Next!?

From my own experience and talking with others, I can say that whether we were in a 3 mths – 30 yrs or more in a relationship. then, Separate!..A Resolve time is 1 plus years time needed… to figure out where it went wrong, to take responsibility for one’s part, forgive the other for theirs and most importantly to figure yourself.

Jumping from one relationship to another without unpacking in between, eventually leaves no room for new memories, because the past keeps busting out and reminding us of their existence.

But for some of us.. our egos, sit proudly on our shoulders, whispering, “You’re okay, you’ll do fine, what did she/he know anyways.”

We can’t or shouldn’t devote a portion of our love and say I love you and not take time to recover from something we thought could withstand anything only to be picking up broken pieces from one relationship to the next. We need to commit to some self-care. There are tons of self-help books out there and professionals willing to  give us the tools to mend hearts and souls.