Don’t Worry About Me

Trying harder on some days than others to be even a little light in some one else’s day gets exhausting, especially when so many are blind to the sparks of life. I made a vow years ago, to be that person, yet not make it my job to carry other people’s problems on my shoulders or even think I can fix them, because I can’t. It can be a very lonely world at times for people like me. And that statement alone will make others wonder what the hell does she mean, people like her? Well if you don’t know me by now, maybe you really are not suppose to know me at all? Even in my loneliness I find serenity. It is at those times we I recuperated and listen to the thoughts of the Creator to rejuvenate my soul, my spiritual self. There is so much I want to practice, yet time is short, days and years are quickly creeping by and I don’t really notice just how fast until it is my birthday again and again. Nothing and no one lasts forever on this planet, some things and people gone too early, or is the timing perfect with regards? With those thoughts, I learn not to take things for granted and live in the moment. My mind goes blank when people ask me about any future plans, again because I believe all we have is the here and now.

So I will take my lonely days to build back up my loss of faith, as days of grace. I will just listen to the sounds of Mother Earth, look for signs from the Creator and begin a new day once my heart is full once again, with a bounty to share.

Everything in it’s time and timing is everything. Remember, even feeling lonely is something to learn from, give it time.

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Who, What, Where & When Am I?

And then came you…
We are what we feel. Learning to manage your feeling, understanding them, is one of the “tools” that we can never do without, as we continue on our individual journey, on this earth. Sometimes it takes seeking out a neutral party to learn how to do that, to get those tools of life management. We are alive to learn, to evolve and when we stop doing those things, it can be so easy to become depressed and feel alone. Because we forget that we are never really alone, there is you, yourself and the “I”. Sometimes taking a look inward at YOU can be a scary thing, so we take the easy way and focus on everyone else, everything else instead, never really being happy or experiencing that feeling of contentment. We blame others for our unhappiness, when all we have to do, is ask ourselves, who, what, where, when.
Who are you?
What are you?
Where are you?
When are you happy?
Leaving unhappiness, is not always easy, especially if we have been living there a long time.
One cold winter night,  year 3 of 11 years single, my evening ritual of getting ready to go to bed, took about an hour. I took the long soak in bubbles, with music low, then straightened up the cushions on the sofa, put my tea mug in the sink and once I shut off all the lights, made my way to my bedroom. It was so quiet. I had no neighbors close by, so from outside all I could hear was the winter wind blowing up against the house. I stood at my dresser, brushed the knots out of my hair to tie it up and started to think to myself..
.. is this not where I am suppose to be feeling lonely? In the quiet at night, being single, with no one around? No one to say good night to, or to hear those words being said to me? No one to remind me of tomorrows agenda? There was no one but me. Aren’t I suppose to be lonely after so many nights of this? I stopped brushing my hair, stood there in the complete silence, looked at myself in the mirror, closed my eyes and concentrated on that feeling of, loneliness.. but.. I wasn’t feeling it.. it wasn’t erupting from deep within my heart and soul. I opened my eyes and smiled at the lady in the mirror and said..
I’m okay!
Who am I? I am, me, myself and I !
What am I? I am happy !
Where am I? In a great place in my life !
When am I happy? When ever I chose to be!

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(Alfred Stevens – Woman in front of a mirror (c.1870)

 

 
I made choices, in the best interest of me. And realized that life is not about pleasing everyone else. To be original, we have to please ourselves first. And no one said it was going to be easy, but nothing worth everything, is pain free. We have to endure the pain, to appreciate the healing.
Yes, life on earth is a journey and we have to take our individual paths, over the speed bumps, through the stormy weather. There is no short cuts. There is a quote I read..
“If you go through the tunnel you will come out better on the other end, but if you go around, you avoided the whole journey.”
My journey is not over by a long shot. I was ready for company on my life’s journey and I found or, was found by, the perfect person for me, to come/go along for the ride. I am so ready to learn, to see the world through his eyes and relate to him my visions of the world and life as I see it. I am proud to ride, “shotgun” and enjoy the view at this point.
And if my life on this earth is to end, which it will, just when, I don’t know… how does that song go by ole blue eyes?
“I did it my way!”