She said, “I feel every loss in my life that my spirit is so lost at times.”, when I asked, “Have you ever been so sad, that it physically hurts inside?”
Little did I know her answer, her reality, would reawaken an old ghost in my being, an old ghost that I thought I had laid to rest. This message on paper is my attempt at laying to rest once again that old ghost and to do that, I have to return to what was in the past, who was in my past and that which haunted me.
I begin to see that little girl of yester years, as she stood there dressed in her white cotton dress and boots, a mere 2 foot tall being, the spiraling winds of life swirling around her, lifting to the wind the loose tresses from the pinned bun atop her head. Her hands clasped together in front of her, no tears, she only looks to the sky and awaits for the winds to lift her to what or who was ever there. But all she could hear was the load voices of grown ups, yelling in madness, crying words she did not understand. She opens her hands, raising her arms to the sky, like wings. She waited for the winds to grab hold of her and take her away. She closed her eyes, brought her hands in a clasp over her head as the winds grew stronger. “Keep your eyes closed child, but keep your heart wide open!” was the words she heard in the winds at that moment. Slowly she began to feel herself being raised from the ground she stood……….she was lost… to the world.
I lived my life, with all it’s challenges, with all its blessings, I lived, but there was days, I did feel lost and waiting to be found. Then one day, something had died inside of me. I now was mourning something or someone I did not know, or did I? In that struggle of not wanting to feel that pain, I suppressed it, more and more each day, until I was a little child again and the only emotion was, grief, such an outpouring of grief. Like fireflies swarming around my head, all life’s trials and tribulations flickered through my mind! I opened my eyes, once again, I was that little girl, but she was not being uplifted by the winds, she was being brought back to earth at a rapid pace. Her little body shifting, tossing, being thrown about in the winds current. Then all of the sudden, the raging winds calmed, her body come within mere inches of the earths ground, slowly, like she was laying atop a cloud on her back, arms spread to their extent on each side of her, her body spun slowly, around and around for what seemed like an eternity… then the wind calmed even more, she felt the cool grasses on her back, she had touched the earth. She opened her eyes slowly….as she raised herself into a sitting position……….
She sees a young woman sitting at a table, with her head laid atop her crossed arms, she was crying and through the sobs and tears was asking, “What do I do?”, over and over she asked. The skies opened up above them both, the brightest of light came through the clouds, so bright, neither could challenge it even with a squinting eyes. They both felt the warmth of the light upon their skin, the tingle of every nerve under their skin, the weightless of burdens released, then a voice. Not a voice you can hear with your ears, but one you can only hear with your heart..”for every burden you have endured, you gained 3 blessings. Now go and count them.” She had just been touched by Spirit.
As I sit atop my bed and type these words on my laptop, I have earbuds in, listening to the same album I use to listen to years ago, that aided me in getting my thoughts down on paper, Sacred Spirit – Chants and Dances of the Native Americans Vol 1
.. every few minutes I take my fingers away, from the keyboard to rock my upper body back and forth as I sit in a cross legged position. My eyes are closed when I type, only opening to sit back, closing again, as I rock to the sound of the music being generated into my mind and those nerve endings through out my body, tingle. At this point, I know I am embraced by Spirit, this I count as, blessing number one……
.. I will continue this story in my next post. I want to enjoy this feeling of Spirit, while it is here within.