After 30 years my children’s parents separated, the following year a divorce. Being a blogger even back then, I wondered how adult children felt about their parents divorcing because we always hear about the effects on the younger child.
What about the adult child who does not live at home when the separation happened?
I asked my daughter to write me a note with regards and told her to be completely honest, well she was. It was over 4 years ago this letter was written by her for my blog and I know today, as she has experienced more life and in her 30’s, some of her thoughts have changed about separation and divorce.
Growing up as a child I firmly beleive that I was raised in a happy and loving home, I never felt any hate or animosity from either of my parents towards eachother or towards us. In my twenties, and seeing my parents seperate I often questioned my childhood and tried to think of moments or signs of them being so unhappy that it would lead to their end.
And as I look back, I cannot think of anytime that made me feel positve that my parents were not going to make it through life together. Some may say cause it was well hidden, others perhaps cause they put us first, and some because only one was really unhappy. Guess it could be a combination of all together.
And as an adult and hearing both sides of my parents take on why this has happend its still very hard to absorb, because I truely thought that they were happy. Kinda felt like I was hit by truck the moment they told me it just wasnt going to work between them. Nobody ever wants to see the role models in their life fail as a couple, cause you hold on to them and use them as guidance in your life and relationships. If they have failed and I firmly beelived they wouldnt, does that mean I will to. They were so in love, we were so happy as children, as a family, was it all just a big hoax. So many quesetions, never enough answers, or perhaps never the answers you want to hear.
It especially harder when its not a mutual agreement for the seperation, When one parent holds on tight to keep it all together, but the other has already moved on. Such a helpless feeling cause you want them both to be happy, but both have different ideas as to what is going to make them happy. Are you a hippocrit when you support both their decisions?
Of course I would want my parents together, I mean who doesnt look forward to holidays when we re all together as one, not a mix and match where we as children have to devide our time between two people we love equally the same. Difficult moments where you feel caught in the middle of a situation you wernt expecting or wanted.
As time passes and you see your parents take their own paths, you cant help but dwell on what if they were still together, would they not be so much happier??? Seems since the separation, both parents have changed so much, and I cannot really say for the better, although both say they are happy with where they are in life at this point in time. I sit and watch one parents health deteriate and the other try and make new roots. Both dont seem 100% to me, if one was, it would perhaps make me feel 100% confident that this was the best choice they could of made, but when i see both not doing as good as they try to act like they are it kinda mkes me hold on to that one day they will perhaps realize they are happier together. Cause again as a child and teen living inside and outside of the house I never seen either of them in the shape they are in as of today. Perhaps that is just some sort of thought that I keep at the back of my head, a little bit proof and hope. Or its just plain old age that my parents are going through and all that mid life crisis crap. Who knows really.
All I know is you cant keep 2 people together, they have to do that as a team to become a team. I believe that my parents did balance out each other, kinda both each others better half.
But I just go with the flow of things, if they cannot be together what more can I do. Certainly cannot stress myself out with their decisions, they are adults. We are their children and we are not perfect, but we are good people and thats because we got the best of our parents. As parents they were and still are top notch, as a couple they have failed, you live you learn. Take the road less travelled, sometimes it leads you onto a better path I think.
I love my parents just the same, nothing will ever change that, I have no built up anger towards them, cause again, I am happy with me and my siblings, so alot of good came out of them as a couple…we did, their children. So I try to focus on all the good that came out of my parents as a couple and of course I have my frustrated days, but I never let them get the best of me.
My parents started their road in life seperate, then together, now again they are taking seperate routes, will see where this journey takes them, I’ll be close beside every step of the way.